


Peter Parker: Loser

by tompolland



Series: The Trials of Peter Parker [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Gen, Guilt, Hurt Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss, Multi, Peter Has Issues, Peter Parker Whump, This is pretty heavy stuff, Tony tries so hard, dark!Peter, slight songfic, the poor boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-10 03:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15282735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tompolland/pseuds/tompolland
Summary: Aunt May dies after a car accident that Spider-Man wasn't there to prevent. Peter goes through so much after this that, for his safety, Tony takes away the suit. Poor Peter Parker, stricken by anger and grief, starts to turn to the dark side of his abilities.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh I have so many fics going on rn BUT ITS FINE :D It’s all in the name of my (in)sanity, right? Anyways, this fic was really inspired by the songs Lovely and idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish.  
> Also! IMPORTANT!!  
> I will be away from the 15th to the 27th, so updates may be scarce. Sorry <3  
> Enjoy!

_Chapter One_

All Peter could hear was the sound of the Air Conditioning humming through the walls of his suite at the Avengers Headquarters. It was summer, and the heat in the city of New York had been unbeatable, let alone for a sweaty teenager like Peter. A glass of water sat untouched on his bedside table, the ice having melted into it long ago. When the AC’s routine schedule ended, silence rang in Peter’s ears. His eyes remained trained on the wall.   
Suddenly, there was a knock at Peter’s door. He jumped from where he was sitting on the edge of his bed and looked towards the sudden noise.   
“Who is it?”   
“It’s me, Pete,” Tony Stark said through the door. “Can I come in?”   
“No-“   
The door swung open and in stepped the playboy genius himself, wearing a tuxedo and checking his watch. “Come on, Pete, we’ve got-“  
He stopped when he saw Peter sitting with his Oxford on and his tie hanging around his neck. He was sitting with his elbows resting on his knees, staring off into nothing. Tony sighed, adjusted his cuff links, and sat beside the boy on his bed.   
“Come on, kid, I know it’s hot and you don’t want to do this-“   
“You’re right,” Peter snapped, taking Tony by surprise. “I don’t want to do this.”  
Tiny frowned. “Don’t interrupt me. This is your last chance to see her, Pete. Don’t blow it.” He stands and glances at his watch one last time.   
“I know this is hard, kid. I know how much she meant to you. So get off your ass and meet Happy in the car in five.” With that, he stalked out of the while wiping his glasses lenses with the end of his jacket. The door slammed shut behind him and Peter hung his head. He sniffed and slowly stood up, supporting himself on the edge of his desk. He looked into the mirror and studied the dark rings under his eyes, his disheveled hair, and his pale cheeks. There was no life left anywhere in Peter Parker. He was empty and alone, even if his friends were around. He didn’t want to see them. It made him feel guilty.

_Peter had just gotten home from school and read the note that was left on the countertop, telling him that there was leftover takeout in the fridge for dinner. He smiled and threw his bag on the floor by the door, opening the refrigerator and pulling out the slim styrofoam box. He went to his room and sat at his desk, propping his feet up against it, knowing that Aunt May would yell at him for doing that. He smiled to himself, and felt his phone buzz in his back pocket. Ned was FaceTiming him, so he picked up._   
_“Heyyyy, Ned, what’s up?”_   
_“Peter, have you seen it?” Ned asked quickly._   
_Peter blinked and his smile faltered. “Seen what?”_   
_“The news, Peter, the news.”_   
_“Oh, no, what’s happened?”_   
_“Just… go look.”_   
_Peter frowned and dropped his feet to the floor, pushing himself up and out into the living area of the apartment. He flopped back into the couch in front of the TV and flicked through the channels until he got to the news station._   
_“Peter, I’m so sorry…” Ned mumbled._   
_“Breaking News: This just in, a major car incident occurred on the corner of 147th Avenue. Three cars collided, two of which were crushed in multiple areas and the third flipped a total of five times. The family in one car and the single male in the other were injured, but it is confirmed that the female in the third car, May Reilly Parker, is deceased.”_   
_Deceased._   
_Deceased._   
_“Peter?”_   
_“Ned, I’ve gotta go.”_   
_“Peter, wait-“_   
_“I’ve gotta go, Ned,” Peter yelled, hanging up on the call. His home screen showed multiple calls and messages from MJ,Y/N, Harrison, and multiple people at school. From members of the team._   
_Peter threw his phone across the room against the wall, burying his face in his hands and scratching at his eyelids. A sob ripped its way from his throat, coming out as a strangled cry as he fell to the kitchen floor against the cabinet. He curled up around himself, his face contorted into one of agony as tears were jerked from his eyes, screams piercing the silence, and muffled sobs eventually taking over._   
_He should’ve been there, patrolling. If he hadn’t decided to skip out, just one day of this week, he could’ve stopped it. If he hadn’t been so stupid, so ignorant, Aunt May would be alive and nobody would be hurt. It was all his fault. Spider-Man was a failure, he wasn’t a hero. He couldn’t save just one person, and it happened to be the only family Peter had left._   
_He hated himself._

Peter was yanked back into reality when he heard someone yelling at him to get his ass down into the car. So much for respect for the grieving. He realized that he hadn’t made any progress in getting cleaned up after Tony’s visit, so Peter dragged a comb across his head, haphazardly tied his tie, grabbed his shoes, and ran down to the awaiting Porsche. Happy frowned at him, but there was something different in his eyes. Pity, maybe. Peter didn’t want pity. This wasn’t about him.   
The drive was silent, and when they pulled up in front of the church, Happy got out to open the door for Peter. Peter had just successfully fixed his tie, which had brought back a memory of May helping him before Homecoming. He smiled sadly to himself and stepped up to the doors. A shiver ran down his spine and he froze. This was real. This would be the last time he could see Aunt May’s face before she was buried under six feet of earth. He took a deep breath and wiped at his red rimmed eyes before pulling the door open. Some people were already sitting throughout the church, namely the team and some of May’s friends. In the front were Peter’s friends,Y/N, Ned, Harrison, and MJ. He groaned inwardly as he walked down the aisle to the front row of the opposite column of pews. His friends looked over at him in confusion and even more pity, which made Peter clench his jaw and tighten his fists. He knew they were just trying to be supportive, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t deserve it. If he, Spider-Man, couldn’t save one life, he was dangerous and idiotic. His friends didn’t need to deal with him. He would just be another burden.   
So the funeral processed, and May’s coffin was brought down the aisle. Once it was set on the stand, they opened the top half of the casket to reveal her face. Peter could barely see through his tears, and he felt someone touch his shoulder. Steve was looking straight ahead with wet eyes. Eventually, it was Peter’s time to give a speech. He gulped and made his way out of the pew, Steve patting his back as he did so. He stepped up to the podium and took a deep breath, looking out at the people. Immediately, he felt his hands begin to shake and tears begin to fall free.   
“Uhm, hello everyone,” Peter began, and he hated how he sounded so broken. “Thank you for coming here today, for my Aunt May. She was…” he laughs softly and looks down at his shoes. “She was my everything. I have a memory of when I would come home from school, and she would be making some sort of loaf-like concoction…” He smiled as the memories took over. “I love my Aunt May. And…” his face fell as he took another deep breath. “I’ll miss her terribly.”   
With that, he hurried off the altar and into his seat, where they completed the ceremony and everyone prepared to leave. As Peter stepped out into the sunlight, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Ned.   
“Hey, Peter…”   
“Are you alright?” Y/N asked, appearing from behind him.   
Peter plastered on a weak smile and nodded. “I’m good,” he said and walked off, leaving his friends to their devices. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well guys, I wrote this in a hotel with the crappiest WiFi in Europe. So sorry if it sucks, my creative energy has been forced to become energy to drag me out of bed and walk ten miles. <3

 The day after May’s funeral, Peter never left his room until late at night when he went out on patrol. But this patrol was different. It wasn’t a patrol, per se, since he only went up onto a crane overlooking the city. He tugged off his mask and looked out into the night, slumping against the pole behind him. He looked over the edge, down at the dark abyss that was the city, letting that feeling sink into his bones. The feeling of loneliness. He knew he had people that were like family to him, but he couldn’t be around them. Not when he couldn’t save them. He doubted he could even save himself. Looking over the edge, he seriously pondered if he could. If he just let himself fall… would Spider-Man be there to save him? Or would he fail, just like he failed Aunt May? Failed his friends, and failed the team?

 And he did. He let himself fall from the crane, and when he was so close to the ground… he realized he could do so much more than just accept failure. He could endure it and live with the pain and the guilt, so he swung up at the last second and went deeper into the city.   
 Taking deep breaths, he didn’t stop until he ran out of breath and collided with a telephone pole. He groaned and flopped back on his rear, feeling the Spider-Man mask stick to his face due to his tears and his back shake. Suddenly, there was a muffled yell from the alleyway nearby. Peter found himself yelling at himself to get up, to help whoever was in danger. But another part of him was telling him to back down, that he couldn’t save them even if he tried.   
 He got up.   
 In the back of an alley, a young woman with shaking hands clutched her purse to her chest as an older man held a knife in front of her. Peter… no, Spider-Man swung between the two figures and crossed his arms, the knife point directly on his own chest.   
 “Run,” he ordered the woman, who scampered away. He stared down the man who frowned and pressed harder with the knife.   
 “What you doin, Spider-Menace?”   
 “If you’re gonna hurt someone,” he mumbled, “hurt me and not anyone innocent.”   
 “Oh, and you’re not innocent?” the man sneered. “I won’t hesitate to shoot ya.”   
 “Do it,” Pe- Spider-Man challenged.   
 The man pulled out a gun and pressed it to the webslinger’s forehead. At the last second, Peter kicked out his leg and sent the man sprawling, the gun firing out at some point. Thinking fast, he webbed the guy up to the lamppost just in front of the alley before slumping against the wall. His side really hurt, but he didn’t know… oh.   
 Blood began to seep through his fingers. That’s where the bullet went. And if he said it didn’t hurt, he would be a filthy liar. But through it all, he found himself smiling as he looking out through the street.   
 Karen came through to Peter. “Peter, you have a serious wound in your side. Would you like me to call Mister Stark?”   
 Peter laughed and closed his eyes. “No, no, don’t make him worry about me.”   
 “Peter, the bullet must be remo-“   
 “Just find me another crime or something. I’ll be fine, don’t call Tony.”   
 “Okay.”   
 Wincing, Peter slowly pushed himself up before reaching out and shooting a web, slinging himself up and over the city. Eventually, he found stopped some small robberies, but not without taking a few hits. In the end, he was back up on the crane.   
 “Peter, you need to get medical attention and rest,” Karen said, “or I’ll have to call Mister Stark.”   
 “No, Karen, do-“   
 “Calling Mister Stark.”   
 It took a few seconds for Tony to answer. “Hey kid, what’s up? I hope you’re not out this late patrolling.”   
 “Uh, about that…” Peter mumbled, and glanced down at his side.   
 “I’ll be there soon.”   
 “No, Mister Stark, it’s okay, don’t get u-“  
 The call ended.   
 Peter groaned and slouched against the metal pole. It wasn’t long before he heard the all-too-familiar sound of rockets soaring through the air, and the Iron Man was standing in front of him. The silence around them was heavy as Tony gazed down at Peter from outside of his now open suit.   
 “What’d you do, Pete?” he asked softly.   
 Peter sighed and looked over his shoulder. “Stopped a mugging, a few robberies…”  
 “Friday, scan for injuries.”   
Peter groaned and buried his face in his hands, which only caused the bullet wound to flare. As well as the bruises and possible broken wrist he sustained.   
 “Peter,” Tony sighed, “you’re getting reckless.”   
 “Oh yeah, I hadn’t noticed,” the younger boy retorted, crossing his arms. This was not the conversation he wanted to be having…  
 “Well, if your telling me that you can’t take care of yourself out here like this, I’m going to have to take the suit away.”   
Peter’s eyes widened and he looked up at his hero, his mentor, his father figure.   “Wh- you wouldn’t take it, please… Mister Stark, it’s all I’ve got left.”   
 Tony rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I feel like we’ve had a conversation like this before. The suit, Peter. Spider-Man will have to take a break. As of right now, you’re on a break.” He glanced down at his watch. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up and into bed. I- I can't tell you how surprised and… disappointed I am.”   
 Peter winced as he let the words sink in. Aunt May was dead, Spider-Man was gone, and now.., he was a disappointment. A fucking disappointment. And he couldn’t say he disagreed.   
 Shortly after, the two heroes were back at HQ. It was silent as Tony checked over Peter’s wounds, which thanks to his spidey abilities, were healing quickly. Tony took the suit and set it aside to be locked away later, no matter how much Peter pleaded that he needed the suit more than anything.   
 “What you need, Pete, is to rest,” Tony snapped. “You’re being ridiculous, and I know this hasn’t been easy for you, but you’re hurting yourself. You’re gonna get yourself killed, and you know how I would feel if that happened.” He sighed and sat behind his desk, resting his forehead in his hand. “Look, Pete, I’m sorry. But until you can prove to me that you’re… better… the suit stays here.”   
 Peter looked down at his hands, which were folded in his lap. “Yes sir,” he whispered, and hurried out of the room so his “boss” wouldn’t see him cry. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to update... today was my last day of vacation, and then it’s work time :/   
>  This chapter is a bit short, but it will lead up to the main part of this fic :) <3

Peter lay awake two days after his suit had been taken. He had the air conditioning in his room set low, so the room was practically an ice box in the heat of July. Silence was heavy in the air, weighing down on Peter’s chest like a ton of bricks. He was watching as the room seemed to darken around him and time slowly ticked by in the form of his digital clock. 00:01 AM. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself up and out of bed. Hanging over the back of his black leather swivel chair was a pair of black sweatpants and a dark grey sweatshirt from NYU. In addition to his black converse and spare web slingers, it was the perfect outfit for a late-night escape.   
He slipped his hood over his head and crept into the hallway, taking care to look left and right before making his way down the hall towards the main area. Once he had passed through there, he heard voices coming through the crack in Black Widow’s door. Her, Tony, Wanda, and Viz were talking together in hushed tones. Peter couldn’t help but eavesdrop a little, so he silently climbed up the wall and inched towards the doorframe.   
“We can’t just leave him…”   
“He’s a kid-“  
“Yeah, smart and headstrong…”   
He heard enough to know that they were talking about him.   
“He’s not leaving his room, Tony…”   
“He's got to get over this, Nat, he can’t just…”   
“I think it’s best if we actually…”   
Pulling his hoodie strings tight and clutching the straps of his empty backpack, Peter clenched his eyes shut and silently jumped down to the corridor floor. Taking a few deep breaths, he rubbed at his eyes and pushed himself forward. He made it past all the other suites, the kitchen, and was approaching the lab when his senses picked up footsteps behind him in the corridor he had just turned out of. Panicking, he threw a web up onto the balcony hanging over the lounge. Just as he perched on the railing, Tony walked by with a cup of coffee in hand. Peter held his breath as the older man walked towards the lab. He let it out when Tony turned down the other corridor towards his bedroom, where he would probably do anything but sleep. Once more, Peter lowered himself to the floor and sprinted down the hall to the lab.   
What he didn’t expect was to find Bruce Banner shuffling out of the coffee room right next to the door of the lab. He was so close.   
“Oh hey, Pete,” Bruce said tiredly, a small smile curling his lips. “What’re you doing up? Nothing bad, I hope.”   
Peter stuttered and pulled back his hood. “Oh, uh, just… going for a walk. Through the building. To clear my head.”   
“Ah,” Bruce said, ruffling his hair. “Well, don’t stay out too late,” he sighs. “We’re worried about you, Peter. It’s not good to be locking yourself away and just coming out at night, yeah? I hope you know that whenever you need to talk to anyone, me and the rest of the team are here to listen.” With that, he smiles, squeezes Peter’s shoulder, and shuffles back down the hall.   
Once he was out of sight, Peter let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Bruce seemed pretty tired, so maybe he would forget what had happened during this… encounter. Hopefully. But now Peter had a clear path to the entrance of the lab. He ran up to the large, foggy glass doors and slipped in, making sure the door shut silently behind him.   
He took a deep breath and turned, looking at the mass of tech and… alien… that made up the lab. Days before, he had accessed the security plan for the floor and knew the camera schedules by heart. So he quickly climbed up the wall and onto the ceiling, shifting his backpack. Right on time. Slowly, he made his way through the lab, scanning for the briefcase or something similar. Suddenly, he heard the door click and someone whistling as they walked through. Peter held his breath as Tony walked in, and moved to the edge of the ceiling where the shadows were. Tony sifted through some papers, clearly looking for something, until he came across a bright yellow sheet. Peter’s sharp vision allowed him to catch a glimpse of the title of the paper: Grief Counseling.   
He didn’t need that… did he? He could take care of himself! Once Tony had gathered up all the paper and left, Peter continued his path towards the back of the room. There, he saw what he had been looking for.   
His suit.   
Smiling to himself, he webbed the case and attempted to lift it. It didn’t budge.  
“Peter,” a voice said.   
Startled, Peter fell from the ceiling to the floor. “The hell…”   
He looked up to see the face of a very disappointed Tony Stark.   
“Get up,” he snapped, and slowly, Peter got to his feet. “What the hell are you doing, Peter, sneaking around behind my back? Wait…” Tony pauses. “Don’t answer that. I know exactly what you’re doing.”   
Peter gulps.   
“Mister Stark, I-“   
“No, you don’t get to talk now! I’m… beyond this, Peter, you’re beyond this, I know…” He sighed and ran a hand down his face before walking to the briefcase, typing in a code, and picking it up. “I just want you to understa-“   
But Peter can’t take it anymore. He shoots out a web to the case and pulls it towards him, running towards the massive window. Putting the case in front of him, he jumps, crashing through the glass, and swings into the night. He can hear Tony yelling at him from behind, but he doesn’t care. He has the suit. He has his computer. He has money to survive. But nobody left. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story changed from what I had in mind, but don’t worry... MORE DARK!PETER WILL BE COMING SOON >:) 
> 
> Sorry it’s kind of a short chapter

After he had absolutely shattered the window of Stark Tower lab, Peter realized that it probably wasn’t the best way to go. At least the case was fine, and he had his suit. Settling down in a decent alley, he clicked the silver container open, allowing it to spring to life and reveal the prize. Smiling to himself, he pulls the suit out, and suits up. With a press of his palm to the spider emblem, it fits to his body. Throwing the case aside and slinging his backpack over his shoulders, he shoots a web up over the city, until he ends up on top of the crane. It’s moved since he was last here. Soon, it might not even be there.   
Peter flips open his laptop and accesses his suits settings. With a few rewritten codes and a bit of completely deleting programs, he had deactivated the tracker, shut off all protocols limiting his abilities, and cut off Karen from Tony’s restrictions. Now, she would only listen to him. Standing up and shoving his computer into the bag, he went off through the city.   
There wasn’t much trouble that night, and eventually, Peter is simply swinging through the streets, savoring the feeling of the cool air crashing down on his cheeks. He’s about to land in front of Mr. Delmar’s deli when he suddenly gets yanked from his web.   
“Hey!” he yelps, but goes quiet when he sees the figure in front of him.   
A large black figure, with white, smokey eyes and a white spider-like emblem on his chest. His fang-like teeth protrude from his mouth, and his tongue hangs out slightly from the side. It’s a little terrifying to Peter.   
“Wh-who are you?” he stutters.   
The creature snarls. “We are Venom.”   
“We?”   
“Yes. And you’re Spider-Man, but you’ve changed. You’ve experienced grief, and now you’ve stolen the suit and run. Running from what?”   
Peter gulps. “H-how do you know all this?”   
“What are you running from, Spidey?” Venom growls, taking a step forward.   
Peter is trembling as he answers. “I’m- I guess I’m running from myself,” he whispers. “I screwed up, it’s all my fault… and I just get so angry at myself when I think about it,” he says, and his voice gets harsher as he speaks.   
Venom hums and runs a clawed hand over his head. “Angry? And the grief, you caused yourself? What about your friends?”   
Peter frowns and leans back on the brick wall. “I don’t want to fail them, too. And… the Avengers won’t want to see me after this. They think I’m son weak boy, made of glass after all this,” he snaps, “but I’m not, I’m dangerous! I hate myself so much for it! But even though it’s my fault… if I hadn’t been but by the spider… none of this would’ve happened.”   
“Yes,” Venom growls. “You should take control over that anger. Use it. Get revenge on that spider, the city, for taking it all from you.”   
Peter sighs. “I don’t want to hurt-“   
Venom grabs Spidey’s shoulders and looks into his mask eyes. “Listen, kid, what has this city and the people ever done for you? You risk your life, stop all this trouble… but do they repay you?”   
“I don’t expect anything…” Peter mumbles. “My reward is the adventure and excitement.”   
“But this job has taken so much from you. Your old life. Your friends, by the sound of it. Your guardian. _Your parents_.”   
Peter’s head snaps up, and Venom chuckles. “We know who you are, Parker.” Saliva is dripping from his teeth as he speaks. “Take control. Let it all out, Spidey. Use that anger, that grief, and let go.”   
He goes silent, and the next thing Peter knows, he’s alone in the alley. He takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out, wiping his sweaty forehead, before jogging out into the street. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... this chapter was hella difficult. BUT I THINK IT TURNED OUT ALRIGHT!! Anyways, get ready for a new, darker Peter in the next few chapters. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

After Peter’s encounter with Venom, he took his words into consideration. Maybe it would be good to let it all out on his rivals. But that would be such a different Spider-Man from what the public new. And what would the Avengers say? No, those were the things holding him back. In the safety of the dark, high above the city, Peter slips off his msk and stares into the wide white eyes.   
_Who is he?_  
 _Spider-Man. Who is he?_   
If Peter Parker changed… did his second identity change too? They were both broken in some way, and they both had a lot to let out. Maybe they could change together. Maybe they were becoming the same. Shaking his thoughts away, Peter stood and slipped his mask back on. It had been a long night, and he hadn’t really thought about where to stay. He ends up high above the city, sleeping in a web hammock, gently moving with the breeze.

 _He is alone in the dark. No, there’s someone else there…_  
 _“Please… no, help…”_  
 _A faint glow illuminates someone’s face. It’s shadowed, and barely visible._  
 _“Please stop,” they gasp. “Please…”_  
 _In his dream, he winces as they cry out._  
 _“S-Spidey?”_  
 _No._  
 _Peter can see their face. May._  
 _She’s in pain… he tries to go to her, but his legs won’t move. She looks up at him, her eyes full of pain and tears._  
 _“P-Peter…” she whimpers. “Peter, how could you fail like this… Spider-Man failed me…”_   
  
Peter snaps awake, feeling the sweat drop from his forehead. The rising sun gently casts an orange glow over his cheeks as he struggles to take deep breaths and wipe away his tears. His stomach growls loudly, reminding him that he hasn’t had a decent meal since lunch yesterday. Slowly, he stands up in his hammock and swings away. A small cafe catches his eye, where he grabs a coffee and a croissant. He thinks about his encounter with “Venom” last night. Maybe it was time for him to change. Act more like Spider-Man. Not Peter Parker, the… _spider-ling. Spider-Boy._   
No. He can’t think of Tony right now.   
Suddenly, there’s a loud boom, and the building just to the left of where he was sitting outside of the cafe crumbles in a ray of purple light. Gawking, Peter pulls down his mask from where it was resting just over his nose. He swings over, making sure all the civilians are safely on the ground before he remembers what Venom said.   
_“You risk your life, stop all this trouble… but do they repay you?”_   
He looks down at all the people, some on their phones and some hugging each other like their life depends on it. But Peter… he doesn’t have anyone to call. Anyone to hug. Not anymore. With a huff, he swings on top of the smoky building to investigate. There’s not much to find. So he moves on, walking through the city in his suit. Checking the time, he knows the Avengers will most likely be training, so he makes his way towards HQ. Once inside, he silently creeps his way to his private suite, carefully avoiding any cameras. Or worse, FRIDAY. He manages to take a quick shower and shove the remainder of his clothes into a duffle bag, double checking the money in his wallet before slinging his backpack over his shoulder as well. And with that, he makes his way back out, and once a safe distance away, he sprints and webs back to the busy city.   
He’s eating a sandwich while swinging on a lamppost when he hears a loud boom from the building left to him, followed by a strange silvery field. People from the ground watch in horror as the building crumbles. Peter swings through, making sure all the civilians have gotten out. But there’s no way to tell what or who caused this. He lands on the roof of the dusty remains, surveying the people below for any possible suspects. But there’s nothing but the city folk snapping pictures, and eventually being forced to clear out as police cars and ambulances arrive. As well as some news vans, which upon appearance, Spider-Man webs away from the scene.   
He never really took into consideration how long the day would be. Seconds slowly ticked by, and by the time it was around noon, Peter was about ready to turn himself in to Tony. But he knew he would probably just be faced with grief counseling, or maybe even get kicked out again. He was sitting on the back of a train, scrolling through his phone when something caught his eye.   
_**BREAKING NEWS: SPIDER-MENACE?** _  
_Earlier today, a building on the corner of 31st Avenue was destroyed by a mysterious force. Eyewitness reports say that Queens’s own “friendly neighborhood” Spider-Man could be the one to blame. After failing to stop multiple car incidents on the streets…_   
He had to stop reading. He clenched his fists as the world around him seemed to become too bright, pulsing with every breath he took. Spider-Menace? They were blaming him… he wasn’t a hero to them anymore. Menace.   
Somehow, he ended up back on the page to see what else had been said.   
_In the explosion, alongside multiple injuries, one young man by the name of Ned Leeds lost his life after saving..._   
Peter stopped again. A sob tore itself from the webslinger’s throat, continuing until it couldn’t be discriminated from screaming. He curled into a tight ball, rocking back and forth as the pain seeped deep to his core. He threw his phone off in some direction, another scream coming from deep inside him. It was guttural, so deep that Peter could hardly feel his chest.  
Not only was Spider-Man a failure. Peter Parker was too.   
His best friend was gone. And, somehow, he had done more than him.

That same night, Peter found out who had been behind the death of his friend. Somehow, the Green Goblin had come back, and now they were facing each other off on the flat roof of a building in the city.   
Peter took a few good hits, until he had enough, quickly lifting up his mask to his nose and wiping at the blood coming from his split lip. He wasn’t doing this for anyone but himself. The Goblin has killed Ned, and it turns out, was the reason Peter never got notified of any possible car accidents. The police station had been robbed, and all reporting officers were in a frenzy. Some new villain. Well, now known as the Green Goblin.   
Venom had told him, _Use that anger, that grief, and let go._   
“Karen,” he spits out, “activate instant kill.”   
“Activating instant kill mode.”   
The mask’s white eyes shrunk down to beady, red orbs. The Goblin lunges at him, hurtling off the side of the building while clawing at Spider-Man’s chest. As soon as they land, people all around gasp and back away. The Goblin charges towards him, pumpkin grenade in hand. Peter puts his hands out and together in front of him, shooting some sort of ray out from his webslingers. The deformed villain stops, and drops to the ground. But when he looks up, people all around stare in shock. Peter dropped to the ground and took a few deep, trembling, breaths. There’s a lot of blood coming from the wounds on his chest. He had been just so… impulsive. And while it felt good… was this really who he was? Still shaking slightly, he stands and looks out at the gathering crowd with their phones raised. He gulps before sprinting out of the public spotlight, and he can feel tears seeping through his mask.  
Had he gone too far as Spider-Man?   
No, the Goblin was the real criminal…  
But he didn’t deserve to just die, did he?   
Peter kept running until it was even too much for his abilities. He collapsed on a park bench and curled over his knees, holding them to his chest.   
What had he done?

  
The right thing.

  
There is no Peter Parker anymore, and Venom was right.

  
This was the new him, and if people didn’t like that… if they wanted to stop him… too bad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry...


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don’t like Harrison, skip from “his voice small” to “But as far as Peter himself was concerned...” and all will be well :)   
>  In the final little segment, there is one sentence that mentions a small form of Harrison/Reader, but I PROMISE! It will NOT play any major role in the future chapters. So, that’s your heads up. Other than that, it should be relationship free. Aside from background pairings, but again, Harrison/Reader is not one of them.

The news rolls quietly on the TV. Three young students, Harrison, Y/N, and MJ, all sit together in front of the screen, three blankets shared between them. Fluorescent light from the TV is the only source in the room.   
Harrison bites his lip, letting the tears only well up in the corners of his eyes.   
Y/N and MJ each hold a half empty tissue box in their hands, surrounded by small wads of the tear stained material.   
It’s strange without Ned.   
They all knew Peter was the Spider-Man. And seeing what was happening on TV was too much for them to handle separately, so MJ called them all up, invited them over, and they ordered pizza. No pineapple. Except the pizza was now sitting cold on the couch, untouched.   
_**Spider-Menace:** Who was once known as “the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man” seems to have gone AWOL due to a series of catastrophic events. Months ago, he failed to stop a car wreck, costing the life of May Parker._   
Her picture comes up on the screen. Y/N hugs Harrison tighter, while MJ mindlessly chews her fingernails.   
_More recently, an attack on a small administration on 31st Avenue in Queens caused the death of Ned Leeds, a beloved friend to many. A service will be held..._  
MJ sniffs and quietly gets up, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.   
_And this just in, the Spider-Man and what appears to be the Green Goblin-_   
Harrison’s heart pounds wildly in his ears, his eyes welling up further. Y/N looks up at him with pity etched on their face, their own eyes stained with tears.   
“I thought dad stopped,” Harrison whispered, his voice small.   
Y/N frowns and plants a kiss on his cheek. “It’s not your fault,” they whisper. “You didn’t know.”   
_After the disappearance of Spider-Man and the death of the Green Goblin, suspicion arises as Norman Osterfield, head of Ostercorp, has disappeared._   
Now Harrison can’t hear anything as the words ring in his ears.   
“Haz?” Y/N whispers, reaching up to rub his shoulder. “Haz, I’m so sorry…”   
He pulls Y/N into his chest, his shoulders shaking as he finally lets the tears overflow.  
“W-what is Peter doing?!” he sobs, shaking his head.   
Y/N gently rubs his back and sighs, their tears falling onto Harrison’s shoulders. “He’s grieving, and something’s wrong,” they whisper. “We can only hope he’ll go back to the old Pete we knew.”

* * *

 

But as far as Peter himself was concerned, there was no going back. He had never killed anyone before. Not before he let Aunt May die. And now, Ned was dead, and while the Green Goblin May have been a criminal, he was still a living being.  

* * *

 

Things at the Avengers HQ were not much better than at MJ’s house. Maybe even much worse. Steve paced back and forth in front of Nat, Sam, Rhodey, Bruce, and Tony’s spots on the couch. Nobody said anything, either watching the Cap or fiddling with their hands.   
Until Nat spoke up. “Steve, stop, please,” she snaps, “or get some sound-absorbent shoes.”   
He stops and frowns, before taking a seat in the armchair in front of the couch. Tony sighs and runs a hand over his face. “Is there any way we can tell where he is, or what he’s doing?”   
Bruce shakes his head. “You said he got rid of the tracker in his suit, right?”   
Tony nods.   
“And he hacked Karen.”   
Nod.   
Bruce sighs. “And he’s always gone by the time one of us gets to the news scene.”   
“We get it,” Tony snaps, and stands. “I’m just… I want to make sure he’s not getting hurt.”   
“Physically?” Nat asks. “Or emotionally?”   
Tony glares down at her. “Both. He’s lost his only family member, and now his best friend. Ned was a good kid,” he says quietly. “I just wish I could’ve been there for Pete. Maybe none of this would’ve happened.”   
“You can’t blame yourself, Tony,” Wanda whispers. “He’s gone.”   
“Gone,” Tony laughs bitterly. “Yeah, and the reason I took the suit from him was because he was getting so reckless. Look at the news now, he’s just killed a guy.”   
“A villain,” Steve mumbles.   
“A life!” Tony snaps. “You wanna know who the Goblin really was, Steve?”   
He pulls out a remote and flicks his wrist, showing a picture of Norman Osterfield.   
“Norman Osterfield. Businessman, might have been one hell of a bitch. But he was Harrison Osterfield’s father. Another one of Peter’s friends.”  
Steve sighs and buries his eyes in the palm of his hand. “Shit…”   
“We have to do something,” Nat says quietly, looking up at Tony. “He’s lost control. He’s not the same Peter we knew.”   
It was silent. It weighed heavily in the air.   
“Good night, guys,” Tony mumbles, and leaves the lounge.

The next day is Ned’s funeral. Just like May’s, there is an abundance of flowers all around. The only thing different is that Peter isn’t there with MJ, Harrison, and Y/N in the front with the Leeds. Even the Avengers showed up, bringing some tears to Mrs.Leeds’s eyes. Well, more than we’re already there. It was a silent affair: MJ gave a speech, and afterwards, the trio said a few words to Ned’s parents before they walked to the graveyard.   
Y/N barely saw the whole ceremony, blowing her nose and tucking her face into Harrison’s shoulder. MJ stood with her mom under an umbrella. It wasn’t a particularly rainy day, but it was cloudy and the rain was spotty.   
But what nobody saw was a red and blue spandex-clad figure hiding in a tree nearby. Once they all left for the luncheon they planned, Peter swung down in front of Ned’s stone. Glancing around, he knelt down and laid a bouquet he had bought from a roadside flower cart.   
“Hey buddy,” Peter whispers, and laughs softly, feeling wet spots form on his mask. “I- I’m so sorry.” He ducks his head and places a hand on top of the smooth marble. “I’ll miss you, man. You were- the best.”   
Choking up, Peter performs their handshake one last time against the stone, before running off to the bathroom to take his mask off and cry some more.   
_All my fault._  



	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is rough. I’m warning you.   
> Peter likes to break windows...  
> BUT ALSO! The chapter after this should be the turning point :) sorry for slow updates. Sorry if this sucks, I'm tired and emotional. Thanks Marvel.

It was cold. Peter hadn’t really thought about his life on the run, especially at night. But even in the summer, the night was damn cold. He pulled the cheap _I <3 NY_ blanket tighter around his shoulders on his web over the city. The suit’s heating system worked wonders, but it had a limited usage. Peter shivered as he slipped down from his perch, deciding that to keep moving might be his best idea. He slipped his mask over his dark/rimmed eyes and his thin blue lips, running off with no destination in mind. He needed someone to talk to, to answer his questions. Luckily, he knew who. But how to find them was a different question.   
Peter strolled towards the the entrance of an alley near Mr. Delmar’s. _Rock + roll_ by Eden was running through his head, so he let out an innocent whistle.   
“Spider-Man?” a voice growled from behind him.   
Peter spun around in surprise, but almost grinned when he saw who he had been looking for.  
“Venom.”   
“We’ve seen what you’ve been doing,” he says, taking a step closer and curling a clawed finger under Peter’s chin. “How did it feel?”   
Despite seeing Venom as a mentor of some sorts, Peter couldn’t help but feel a little intimidated. “Uh, well,” he stammers. “I think I did the right thing, getting rid of the Goblin…”   
“Yes,” Venom hisses, “And did you do it for yourself? Or the city?”   
Peter bites his lip. “I- he killed one of my friends… and the only family I had left.”   
“So you did it in revenge?”   
“I- I guess…”   
“Better than before,” he says, saliva dripping from his fangs. He removes his finger from the smaller boy’s chin. “Keep it up, Parker, and maybe you’ll get there. I have faith in you.”   
He turns and starts walking to the back of the alley, looking up towards the sky.   
“Wait-“ Peter calls, stepping forward. Venom turns his head to see the boy out of the corner of his eye. “What if I have… regrets? I just- I think about what I did, and I’m just wondering if I’m overthinking it or something…”   
“Don’t think, Spider-Man. Do it. Move on.”   
Venom looks up at the moon, peeking over the edge of the back of the alley. Peter follows his gaze, until he sees the black creature scale the wall, and disappear into the night. Sighing, Peter turns and shuffles out into the streetlight.   
“Instant kill,” he whispers. His vision turns red as he shoots a web up and away. Towards the Avengers Headquarters.

“We have to find the kid,” Tony snaps, slamming his fist on the table. “He’s not himself, he’s not Peter. Something's happened, and now Spider-Boy is on a killing spree.”   
Nat crosses her arms and frowned. “And you’re saying we haven’t killed anyone before?”   
“He’s just a kid!” Tony exclaims. “Who knows what he could do next, hm? He could turn completely and go from New York’s top street hero to New York’s top villain!”   
None of the team says anything.   
Tony laughs bitterly. “Thought so. No distractions. Something needs to be done.”

Peter stared long and hard at the Avengers HQ. Rumor had it that Steve and Bucky were gone again. Through the new window, Tony stands in front of the remaining team, and Peter can tell he’s nursing a headache. “Karen, is there any way I can listen in?”   
“ _Accessing audio of: Stark Headquarters._ ”   
There’s slight feedback. Tony’s voice fills Peter’s mind.   
Something needs to be done.   
Peter can feel his anger rising up in him. Oh yeah, he heard the whole conversation. There’s nothing wrong with him. Venom saw that, why couldn’t Tony? Killing the Goblin probably saved hundreds more lives. Spider-Man is fine. Peter is _fine_. The group leaves. It’s only Tony, talking to himself.   
“And after we get him back… therapy might be-“   
Peter doesn’t hear the rest, because he’s vaulting himself towards the window. Tony turns at the last second. His eyes widen as Spider-Man, the kid he’s worked so hard to mentor and train to be the best friendly-neighborhood hero, crashes through the window and pins the older man to the floor.   
“I DON’T NEED THERAPY!” Peter yells, and he tears his mask off. “DON’T YOU GET IT? THIS IS WHO I AM NOW. MY. LIFE.”   
Tony struggles as specks of Peter’s spit splatter on his cheek. “AND- YOU JUST CAN’T-“ THE young hero lets out a growl of frustration and backs off his once mentor.   
Tony scrambled for his phone, but Peter webs his hands to the floor. The room is a mess behind the two figures, one the former mentor stuck to the floor and the former student standing above. Peter’s hair is wild over his eyes and his chest heaves with every breath.   
“He gets me so much better,” Peter seethes. “He knows what I’m going through. Knows what’s right. A lot better than you’ve ever done.”   
“Kid-“   
“DON’T INTERRUPT ME,” Peter yells. It’s a wonder no other avengers have heard the commotion. “I’m sick of hearing you make each of my own life decisions. For once, I have control in my life. I could do so much! Venom has shown me.” Peter laughs, and it’s almost maniacal. “I have the world at my fingertips, but I haven’t left New York. I could easily end anyone who tries to stop me…”   
His phone rings in his pocket.   
He ignores it.   
“I know that now-“   
It goes to voicemail.”   
“ _Pete. It’s Haz._ ”   
Peter freezes. Tony struggles in the webbing, his concern growing rapidly for the boy.   
“ _Uh, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I hope you figure something out, because… we’re all-_ “   
Peter throws his phone out the broken window. He glances down at Tony. “I have to go,” he says, but Tony can hear the fear in his voice. A plea for help. Even tears.   
“Kid-“   
“No. I’m not a kid.” And Peter is gone.   
Tony sighs and leans back on the desk. _What the fuck just happened._   
Nat bursts in.   
“What the _hell_!”   
“Took you long enough,” Tony grumbles.

Far away already, a spandex clad hero looks over the edge of the bridge at the black expanse of water. He closes his eyes. May. Ned. His friends. The Avengers, basically his family. Lost. All of them, lost.   
He starts to sob.   
_What a fucking loser_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good luck!

Peter gazes out over the city, his eyes glazed over like thin icing on a cake. That night, it had gotten particularity cold. The blanket didn’t help against the icy wind blowing on Peter’s back, causing him to shake with every breath. And on top of that, his phone was officially dead. He didn’t have a charger, so even if he did manage to find an outlet, it would be useless. His suit was off: the only thing he had on was a cheap sweatshirt and sweatpants from a souvenir store. He was a walking _I <3 NY_ advertisement, when he wasn’t wearing the Spidey suit. Peter looks down at his wrist, which seemed whiter in the moonlight. In his other hand was the razor he brought with him in his backpack. Believe it or not, this wasn’t the first time he’d tried this. But he’d been clean for so long… he bites his lip and clenches his eyes shut.  
His hand is trembling majorly, and the razor falls from his hands. He gasps for breath, face contorting as he sobs loudly and curls up into himself. With great effort, he reaches down to pick up the razor and hurls it angrily into the city. The sun rises steadily over the horizon, igniting the boy’s face with an eerie orange glow, his tears glistening in the light. He stands slowly, watching it, eyes burning, but he doesn’t care. The blanket falls to the ground.   
And he’s running, running away from the sunrise, something he know he can’t escape. He runs and runs, legs pumping wildly and chest heaving as he leaps and swings over the city, sure that no one could see his face as he moved so quickly. When he reached a specific apartment building, he tripped on the ledge, tumbling until he hit the other side with a loud oomph. Hiccuping brokenly and his vision hazy, Peter slowly pushed himself up and let out a cry of anguish. Why was he hurting so much? What had he done to deserve this? Killed Aunt May. He tugged harshly at his hair, keeling over his knees as tears wet his chest and his cheeks grew sore. Killed Ned. He wanted to rip at his chest, tear through the skin and muscle until he found his heart and tear that out, and maybe… just maybe… he would be able to feel all the pain and grief he caused everyone else. How could anybody love this monster?!   
His back was killing him. The clothes he was wearing were torn up and bloody from skidding across the concrete roof. He would heal.   
_They couldn’t._   
A hand on his shoulder. Peter jumped, letting it a yelp of pain and surprise. Venom.   
The monster gazed down at the small boy, his face unreadable unless he was ready to kill Peter. Which he might accept at this point.   
“Can you stand?” Venom asked instead, voice gravelly.   
Peter sniffed and shrugged, trying to lift his arm to push himself up. But he only cried out in pain and collapsed against the wall. His nose started bleeding as he looked up at his alien mentor with fear.   
“I can’t,” he wheezed, It hurts-“   
He was cut off when Venom grabbed the boy in his arms and leaped off the building, using one clawed hand to slide down. Peter closed his eyes and furrowed his brow, quivering as his burns and scrapes pulsed. Probably some other wounds, like that growing pain where his neck met his back. And just like that, Peter found his eyes closing as he slipped into that comfortable darkness, carried by a creature away into the city.

* * *

 _God._ His head hurt was pounding. All black. He opened his eyes. Someone pressed a cloth to his leg, stinging wildly as he jolted awake. He gasped and coughed, catching his breath as his eyes adjusted to a thin stream of light coming from somewhere beside him. Looking down, Venom taped a strip of gauze to the side of Peter’s leg. The webslinger’s hand twitched and he carefully trailed his hand up his side to his cheek, wincing slightly as they lightly trailed against the bandage. He hissed as he slowly came in contact with a limp on his head, his back stretching and aching tremendously.   
Venom… glanced? up at him and let out a huff of breath, the warm air hitting Peter’s leg and sending a chill up his spine.  
“W-what happened?” Peter mumbled.   
“Don’t remember?” Venom replied, his teeth dripping saliva. “You hit a concrete roof, scraped your side, hit your head and your back. Wouldn’t be surprised if you had a concussion.”   
Peter sighed and leaned his head back against the alley wall. The setting sun cast an orange glow straight into his eye, causing a hot flash to course through his body. He cried out slightly as he felt the black alien lift his foot.   
Keeping his eyes closed, Peter let out a loud sigh and let the creature clean and wrap his side up. “How long have I been out?”   
“All day,” Venom said, standing from his crouching position and looking out of the alley. Peter sighed again and slowly tried to stand up, leaning against the cold bricks for support.   
“Wait,” he called, watching Venom look up and prepare to leave. He turned over his shoulder and stared at the boy, waiting. “Uh,” Peter mumbled, “I don’t- I don’t think I can work with you anymore,” he said, staring at the ground and clenching his first. “Work _for_ you.”   
“What,” Venom snarled. “What, Parker?! We helped you when you needed it, we gave you advice, we fixed you up today after you broke down… and you’re giving up on me?”   
Peter bit his lip. “Why do I even matter to you?” he asked, his voice and bottom lip trembling. “I’m just a weak kid who has nobody left. Who has nothing. Who is nothing.”   
Venom turned and rested a flawed hand over his milky white eyes. “Peter… We need you. You’re young and smart, you can do what we can’t,” he said. “Where would you go, crawling back to that Stark? He’d probably lock you up like you’re nothing. You think he loves you? Think he cares? If he did, he would’ve gotten to you by now, don’t you think?”   
Peter let out a tiny sob, wiping at his eyes. “I- I don’t know,” he whispered, his voice small. “I don’t know.”   
Venom lets out a growl of sorts, looking up at the sky. “We wanted to wait to do this. Until I knew you were stable.”   
“What?”   
“The car crash that killed your aunt? Your friend?” Venom questioned. “We needed a way to get to you.”   
Peter’s heart stopped. The blood rushed up into his head, and the world seemed to stop around him. “What,” me mumbled.   
Venom snarled and smashed his fist into a garbage can. “Damnit, Parker!”   
Peter can’t feel anything. He’s frozen with wide eyes and his heart pumping wildly in his chest. A tear slips down the cool, pale, expanse of his uninjured cheek. “But- you helped me… you said it was my fault, the city’s fault…”   
He snapped out of his daze. “You killed my Aunt May,” he said, his voice dangerously low. “You killed my best friend, Ned, just to use me.”   
He stepped forward, clicking his webslingers into place and preparing to to fire. Venom turned suddenly, swiping at Peter’s chest. He cried out in pain as blood seeped through his ragged clothes.   
“We helped you!” Venom screeched. “We took you in when no one else would, We helped you when you were grieving. Look at what you’ve become, you’ve killed them.”   
“What did you say?” Peter gasped, clutching at his chest as his vision dimmed.   
“We were beginning to believe you could be something. That you truly could be the amazing Spider-Man,” Venom snarled. “But we’re not to blame for the death of your- your- setbacks,” he snapped.   
Peter let out a low whimper, slumping against the wall, struggling with keeping awake.   
“Looks like I have no choice.”  
Something hit his head, and hard. He was swallowed up in darkness.

_Darkness._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s the end of part one! Stay tuned for part two, should be coming soon. The first chapter will be very short. I hope you’re enjoying this, feedback is always appreciated :) -TH


	9. announcement

So guys... I’ll be starting the next part of this fic soon. However, I haven’t been feeling the best lately, so I apologize if it comes up at a later time. Thank you so much for all the support you’ve shown on this... like holy shit!   
I love you all :) <3   
-TH


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